Embrace spring and socializing

[jajalala]

Winter is finally fading away, and the weather is getting warmer.... and I'm finding it's about time that I stop using the "it's cold out" to avoid going out and doing things. Especially since in my head I think it's fine and fun to just chill every day at home, but mentally I think I do much better when I push myself out to do some sort of activity or something at LEAST once a week (and do some smaller walks and stuff throughout the week)...

So the past two weeks or so I've been trying to go out more deliberately, tho I'm finding that I'm pretty terrible at my in-person social life XD. My dearly beloved roommate was out traveling for a week, so I decided to push myself to do some stuff on my own (she tends to be my auto-companion to any event), like seeing an avant-garde ballet (it was.... very avant garde) and checking out an art museum. It was fun!

But I'm kind of disappointed in myself for having a very limited social circle in the city... my primary in-person interaction is my roommate. There are a few gals a neighborhood or two over, but they were originally my roommate's friends, and altho I have to assume they enjoy my company well enough, I feel odd asking them to hang out without the roomie. Last year I did some online dating that was fun, and the guy I dated for awhile was a nice lil variety in socialization, but outside of that most my social interactions are phone calls to old buddies in other places, my family, or online interactions with fandom folks.

Recently my oldest brother has been pushing to hang out more in the city with me which has been fun so far, he lives outside of it but only an hour or so away, so a visit is feasible on weekends. And my older sister is planning to move here this summer, and I'm REALLY excited for that since we're very close in age and may be able to hang out very casually/regularly.... but I'd also like to maybe push myself to develop a better social circle. I live in a city, after all, in theory it shouldn't be so hard to find people to hang out with!

I guess I don't fully know how to develop a new social circle outside of school. I've been hearing u gotta go out and do activities, but even then I'm not sure how to cross that activity friend -> Hang out casually friend... But I do very few activities, so I think I need to push myself out there first and then figure out next steps XD.

My roommate and I went to a cool art activity thing last week, and although it took some time to travel there it was a really nice environment and had some cool people. I think we were both feeling somewhat shy since it was our first time there, but they seem to have at least monthly activities, so I think I'd like to go again and talk to some of the folks again.

Comments

[pauraque]

I'm not sure how to cross that activity friend -> Hang out casually friend

I also have this problem. If you figure out the answer, let me know!

[jajalala]

XD XD XD Will do! Gotta make some proper activity friends first tho

[corvidology]

I think it's often easier to meet new people at an activity when you don't have someone with you.

It's far more intimidating to start a conversation with a pair of people than with one, particularly when you feel like you might be interrupting their time together.

[jajalala]

Alas, the struggle of wanting a buddy for support, while also wanting to properly meet new people.... at the last activity the roomie and I went to we started together but split up and talked to other ppl at times which I think was good, but maybe I should find something entirely independent of her.... tho it's intimidating to go places alone XD

[corvidology]

It can help to remember that everyone else who's attending these events on their own is feeling intimidated as well.

I've been attending the same professional conference for a number of years now (not attended by anyone else from my institution) and the first couple of years I sort of hung around awkwardly when not presenting or attending presentations or took myself out to eat alone or wandered around the city it happened to be in that year when it ended for the day, again alone.

I was telling a colleague about it and she said 'you're only noticing the people who're in groups or hanging out with another person from their institution they're sharing a hotel room with and not noticing all the other people hanging about awkwardly on their own.' Well, words to that effect. *g* She suggested the next time I attended to make myself try some simple interactions like remarking on a presentation to someone else leaving the room on their own, taking my conference breakfast and sitting at a table that already had a few people sat at it rather than going for an empty table like I used to do or even at a session ending right before lunch asking if someone could recommend a good lunch place nearby. The people I joined at the breakfast table had questions about my institution (it was on my name tag) and did the conversational heavy lifting and then came and sat at the same table with me at the conference dinner the next night. The lunch question to a single person I was leaving the session with got me invited along with a group from the local university in the city (I had no idea as they'd taken their name tags off) to their favourite South American restaurant downtown. The next year I hung out with some of the same people who introduced me to other new people and that was the year I started keeping an eye out for people on their own and inviting them to join us for lunch, etc.

I'm not suggesting it's the same thing of course but the point my colleague was making is that most people are looking for social interaction even if they have no idea how to start it and how just one simple thing can lead to a chain reaction.

I'm going in person to this conference again this year (the last two years it was virtual) and there are people I'm already looking forward to seeing again even though I've been regularly exchanging emails with a lot of them.

[jajalala]

OOoh that's very smooth! I'm glad that you'll be getting to go in person again this year :D hope u have lots of fun with those folks and anyone new u want to meet!

[tropicsbear]

Good luck with the socializing! I'm a potato by default and like to just roll around in my room during the weekend. But I do get that occasional feeling of just wanting to go and maybe eat something with friends or do random errands together.

[jajalala]

Thank u! I love being a potato too...... but alas going out it turns out is good for me, but it's so much effort!

[vriddy]

I've had good success with meetups in general, events or activities like the one you mentioned! If I have a nice conversation with someone, I suggest we meet for a cup of tea, cinema if a movie came up, a specific kind of restaurant if they showed interest, or something. Cup of tea or coffee is usually the lowest pressure one. If people seem reluctant, I don't push at all of course :D And I change the topic to something else. Some people are so busy their only free time is the activity itself, but I find that many people are eager to make friends, especially if they're new to the city.

[jajalala]

Aaa fingers crossed I can get to that point, I'm still at the stage of pushing myself to actually go to Events and Activities XD. THanks for the advice!

[vriddy]

Good luck!! That's the right first step :D

[octahedrite]

I've been hearing u gotta go out and do activities, but even then I'm not sure how to cross that activity friend -> Hang out casually friend...

You have to ask people to hang out with you. It's easier when you already have something in mind (e.g., let's watch [specific movie] next week, I'm going to [specific ballet performance] do you want to come, I'm going to board game night at [place] on [date] do you want to come, etc.) as opposed to more open-ended plans (like let's get lunch/coffee or go for a walk). It's hard when they say no, but it's important to remember that you're not doing anything wrong by asking them/inviting them to things. They very likely appreciate it!

Good luck - you can do it!

[jajalala]

Thanks for the advice! Hope I can put it into play once I have some proper activity friends to invite out....