Ack that's private
Mar. 27th, 2022 10:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jajalalaMy roommate and I have very different feelings on what feels private/intimate. She shares every creative thing she makes; I've read almost every story she's written since high school, she talks about her writing to most her moderately close friends, and talks in detail about what she's writing and looks for feedback on her story in the planning stages with close friends (such as me).
Meanwhile I've only let a handful of people in my life even know I write fanfiction at all, and for those people it's only been in the past year or two that I've confessed to it (when I started writing to post online in like... 2015?). And absolutely none of them have read my fanfiction, save for an odd activity I did with a small group of friends where we all shared our own fanfic writing excerpts, so I showed them a single old oneshot, disconnected from the AO3 link. In the past I think I let one or two family members read my original writing, but I have not shared that with them in the past several years either.
I think there's something about anonymity on the internet that feels very safe to me. I prefer that strangers read my work, as I feel their reactions are more likely to be sincere. As I've gotten more involved in fandom, I have gotten to a point where I have internet friends/acquaintances where it's no longer strangers, but I still find that distance of not knowing each other in real life comforting.
Sharing my work feels like a form of intimacy. I'm aware of this because when my roommate shares her work, I can see all the details of her. I see her tastes in partners, I can see how this fictional character's crisis is pretty much her own personal crisis in a different form, I can even see "Oh she based that character off our old English teacher!" There are even details I see that she doesn't always realize she gave me, things I can analyze and reflect about how she thinks and feels about things. Maybe if I didn't know her and her history these things would be less obvious, but because I know her everything is woven together, and I can learn even more about her through her writing.
And the thought of someone doing the same to me... that's a little too intimate for me. I have a habit of closing off at least one section/secret of my life to every person I meet. I spread them out too, so one person may know I write fanfiction but doesn't know [XXXX], while another person gets to know [XXXX] but will never hear about my writing. Letting someone not only know about but also read my fanfiction? Oh god.
If someone who knew me in real life read Mild-Mannered School Teacher/Adrenaline-Junkie Vigilante, the fic where I basically projected all my repressed anger issues and some family issues in general... the picture of me they could build with that (using their knowledge of my personality, my family, etc) is much too intimate to bear.
Hiding it has started to become a little complicated. I shared an Ace Attorney fanfiction rec with my roommate, and she happened to look at the comments and accidentally identified my comment based on my writing speech (and horniness, it was commenting on a steamy scene) alone (I often comment directly in the docs she works in, so she's very familiar with my feedback style). So at this point she know what my account name is, but I have made her promise not to look me up and actually look at my account. I tell all the people who know of my writing that I write porn, both so they don't want to look it up, and because I find it less embarrassing than telling them I sometimes write long plotty multichapters exploring things that are sometimes emotionally meaningful to me via anime/cartoon characters.
And now that we live together, it's become more obvious to her that I spend at least some degree of time writing. We sometimes sit in the same room together and write at the same time. And when she asks what I did with my day, sometimes I did nothing but write, so I sort of have to admit to it.
The other night while we were hanging out I happened to point out something on a playlist of mine, titled something kind of abstract, and when she asked what the title was about I was like "Oh just a writing playlist for a fic." But then she started asking questions (not even that nosy, but like "What kind of fic?") and I immediately clammed up. I'm like "No I don't wanna say any details that's embarrassing and I don't want you knowing anything about it." But I think she was kind of hurt that I was closing off.
I feel like maybe it'd be healthy to share, but also it's very scary. And it's been so long that I've been keeping it a private, me thing, that I fear what will happen when I let someone else see it. And to be fair, my roommate shares almost no fandoms with me, so she probably wouldn't be interested in reading what I write, but her seeing the amount I write or my tags or my story descriptions or my stats... I'm getting embarrassed just thinking about it.
Technically I've shared two pieces of original writing with her before (robot musical and robot porn. I have a theme), but the original pieces feel like something separate from fanfiction. Those are sort of their own thing, while the fanfiction is connected to a whole other facet of my identity... and I'm not sure if I'm ready to let a human being I know in real life witness that.
Sorry for the rant, just getting it out here since I can't really talk to any people I know in real life about it.
(On the opposite side, I'm very open and vocal about my sex life, sexuality, and horniness... meanwhile my roommate is embarrassed to share even a bit! Again, we have very differing ideas on what is intimate/embarrassing to share.)
Meanwhile I've only let a handful of people in my life even know I write fanfiction at all, and for those people it's only been in the past year or two that I've confessed to it (when I started writing to post online in like... 2015?). And absolutely none of them have read my fanfiction, save for an odd activity I did with a small group of friends where we all shared our own fanfic writing excerpts, so I showed them a single old oneshot, disconnected from the AO3 link. In the past I think I let one or two family members read my original writing, but I have not shared that with them in the past several years either.
I think there's something about anonymity on the internet that feels very safe to me. I prefer that strangers read my work, as I feel their reactions are more likely to be sincere. As I've gotten more involved in fandom, I have gotten to a point where I have internet friends/acquaintances where it's no longer strangers, but I still find that distance of not knowing each other in real life comforting.
Sharing my work feels like a form of intimacy. I'm aware of this because when my roommate shares her work, I can see all the details of her. I see her tastes in partners, I can see how this fictional character's crisis is pretty much her own personal crisis in a different form, I can even see "Oh she based that character off our old English teacher!" There are even details I see that she doesn't always realize she gave me, things I can analyze and reflect about how she thinks and feels about things. Maybe if I didn't know her and her history these things would be less obvious, but because I know her everything is woven together, and I can learn even more about her through her writing.
And the thought of someone doing the same to me... that's a little too intimate for me. I have a habit of closing off at least one section/secret of my life to every person I meet. I spread them out too, so one person may know I write fanfiction but doesn't know [XXXX], while another person gets to know [XXXX] but will never hear about my writing. Letting someone not only know about but also read my fanfiction? Oh god.
If someone who knew me in real life read Mild-Mannered School Teacher/Adrenaline-Junkie Vigilante, the fic where I basically projected all my repressed anger issues and some family issues in general... the picture of me they could build with that (using their knowledge of my personality, my family, etc) is much too intimate to bear.
Hiding it has started to become a little complicated. I shared an Ace Attorney fanfiction rec with my roommate, and she happened to look at the comments and accidentally identified my comment based on my writing speech (and horniness, it was commenting on a steamy scene) alone (I often comment directly in the docs she works in, so she's very familiar with my feedback style). So at this point she know what my account name is, but I have made her promise not to look me up and actually look at my account. I tell all the people who know of my writing that I write porn, both so they don't want to look it up, and because I find it less embarrassing than telling them I sometimes write long plotty multichapters exploring things that are sometimes emotionally meaningful to me via anime/cartoon characters.
And now that we live together, it's become more obvious to her that I spend at least some degree of time writing. We sometimes sit in the same room together and write at the same time. And when she asks what I did with my day, sometimes I did nothing but write, so I sort of have to admit to it.
The other night while we were hanging out I happened to point out something on a playlist of mine, titled something kind of abstract, and when she asked what the title was about I was like "Oh just a writing playlist for a fic." But then she started asking questions (not even that nosy, but like "What kind of fic?") and I immediately clammed up. I'm like "No I don't wanna say any details that's embarrassing and I don't want you knowing anything about it." But I think she was kind of hurt that I was closing off.
I feel like maybe it'd be healthy to share, but also it's very scary. And it's been so long that I've been keeping it a private, me thing, that I fear what will happen when I let someone else see it. And to be fair, my roommate shares almost no fandoms with me, so she probably wouldn't be interested in reading what I write, but her seeing the amount I write or my tags or my story descriptions or my stats... I'm getting embarrassed just thinking about it.
Technically I've shared two pieces of original writing with her before (robot musical and robot porn. I have a theme), but the original pieces feel like something separate from fanfiction. Those are sort of their own thing, while the fanfiction is connected to a whole other facet of my identity... and I'm not sure if I'm ready to let a human being I know in real life witness that.
Sorry for the rant, just getting it out here since I can't really talk to any people I know in real life about it.
(On the opposite side, I'm very open and vocal about my sex life, sexuality, and horniness... meanwhile my roommate is embarrassed to share even a bit! Again, we have very differing ideas on what is intimate/embarrassing to share.)
